I Don't Belong to You Read online

  «Khyla, you should accompany Matthew Ross to the infirmary» says Harry coming toward me as soon as I enter.

  In the precise moment I understand the meaning of this request, I become pale faced.

  «Is Matthew sick?» I ask weakly, staggering as a reed in the wind. I feel my strengths are leaving me. I’m probably paying the pledge for spending last night without sleeping.

  «Yes, he’s got high fever. »

  «I’ll go right away! But first I have to go to the bathroom. »

  I walk beside Harry pretending not to mind and then I enter the office. Once there I run in the bathroom and rinse my face. I’m really worried about Matthew. I’m afraid to lose him, even before being sure that he’s really mine. I try to comfort myself with less negative thoughts. Maybe it’s nothing, just a trivial influence. But the tarball of doubt creeps into me. And if it was something serious? I wipe my face, fix my hair and go back to the corridor. Harry is gone, so I leave the apparent serenity and plunge into Matthew’s cell. His companions are playing cards on a small table just a little bigger than a sheet of paper, while he’s lying on the bed with the blanket going down to the floor. He moves in shots in an attempt to find a position that could give him some relief.

  Even before reaching his cot to reassure myself about his situation, one of the guys takes my hand pulling me toward him: «Look who’s here! Our preferred ward! » he shouts, miming the feminine curves of my bosom.

  «Leave me alone, Gary. I can’t waste my time with you. I have to bring Matthew to the infirmary. Can’t you see he’s sick? »

  «I don’t care about that son of a bitch. For me he can go straight to the cemetery. I’d love to know you better. I think that if you’d come with me, you’d do an affair. Have you ever heard about the hidden quality of the black males? »

  What a cretin he is. I promptly reply.

  «Stop it, Gary. If you don’t, I’ll tell Harry to give you some bromide» and with these words I move my hand from his with a quick movement. The others start to tease him and he moves toward me with a threatening air.

  «Don’t make it so difficult. I know how to fix sluts like you. »

  I’m about to extract the iron torch to bump it on his head, but he suddenly becomes quite and sits again, without saying anything else. Good God! I think I have a very angry expression, to make him leave me alone. I turn and bump against an unexpected obstacle. In front of me there’s Matthew, standing with wet eyes and red cheeks that is looking at Gary with a firing gaze.

  «OK. I leave her to you. She’s yours. And now get out of here. » blethers Gary, continuing his poker match.

  I look at Matthew and grab his hand to handcuff him. He’s boiling hot! He’s got a bad fever and managed to rise just to defend me. Very well! I have to deal with a prince of other times. It’s a pity that instead of meeting him at the debutant ball, I met him in a jail!

  «Let’s go» I sweetly whisper to him. We get out of the cell and I notice he can hardly walk.

  I’d like to walk beside him and hold him up, but I’m afraid that someone might think badly about my concern... and actually they wouldn’t be wrong.

  After having slowly walked the two corridors, we finally arrive to the infirmary. There we find Geena, a nurse fifty years old, with the belly big as a watermelon and a ready answer acid like vitriol.

  «Now. Who did you bring me, Khyla? Not bad looking, this guy! Hey guy. Lie down here, before you collapse on the floor. » she says pointing to the couch.

  He obeys. Geena takes a thermometer and put it under his armpit. I sit on a steel stool and wait for the verdict with some anxiety. Matthew closes his eyes moaning in low voice. Geena whistles and tidies up the desk. The thermometer makes a sound and Geena looks at it.

  «Good heavens! It marks forty! I’ll go to call doctor Gordon.»

  She gives me an ice bag and runs out. I want to put the bag on his feverish forehead, but he stops my hand, open his eyes and looks at me with one of those powerful gaze.

  «Khyla, help me. I don’t want to die inside the jail. »

  «What are you saying, Matthew? You’re not going to die. You probably have the flu. »

  He silently shakes his head, and then speaks again: «The fever isn’t frightening me. As it came it’ll go. The fact is that I’m going crazy in this place. I want to be free again. »

  I get rid of his grip and put the ice bag on his head.

  «I can imagine how you’re feeling. But you have to pay for your sins. When you’ll serve the sentence, you’ll be free to do everything you want with your life. »

  Matthew’s eyes suddenly become even more watery. I don’t think it only depends on fever. Aguishly, I caress his face and feel an irresistible desire. I draw my lips near his to give a chaste kiss, and then I move away before doctor Gordon comes in. A forty year old with grizzled hair and slouching walk. He observes Matthew with a stern look, and then he checks his lungs, heart and throat. Then he sits, with the elbows leaning on the desk, and plays with a pen. I’m feeling anxious, but he continue to be silent.

  Finally he speaks with stern voice: «On the basis of what I’ve been able to verify, we have to deal with acute tonsillitis. It could even be streptococcus. As you may know, the problem with this bacterium is that, if not properly treated, it can cause serious damage to various part of the body, including endocarditis. I’m immediately going to make an oropharyngeal swab. While expecting the outcome, I recommend an antipyretic and a broad-spectrum antibiotic. »

  After having expressed his diagnosis, Doctor Gordon gets out and I’m feeling a little bit more serene. From what I could understand, taking the right medicines, Matthew will soon be fine again. I’m worrying about something else, now. Accompanying him to the cell with all the medicines Geena gave to me, I’m thinking about Matthew’s earliest talk. He apparently leads a quite life in jail, but his words made me understand that his heart is suffocated by depression. And what if, because of this, he decided to make an extreme gesture? No, I can’t permit this. Now that Matthew has entered my life, I’d do everything to stop him from going out of it.

  CHAPTER 8

  I have to admit it. This week it’s not easy to observe the shifts in and out the jail. As a devoted wife, I would rather stay at Matthew’s bedside, wiping his sweat away and lovingly covering him when he was caught by chills, instead of staying home only surrounded by Mary’s talking and by my loneliness.

  Yes, I know I’m rather lost. The fact is that in the beginning I thought it just was a strong attraction. His clear and soulful eyes, the smell of his skin, his knowing mouth are all the right ingredients to make me feel in ecstasy since the first meeting. But the truth is another one. I don’t know how or when, but this guy has entered in me not only by my natural holes... I mean that he’s entering in my heart and in my brain too. And this isn’t good.

  Today Matthew has still got high temperature. Doctor Gordon has confirmed that it is streptococcus and changed Matthew’s therapy with a more targeted antibiotic.

  I avoid entering his cell not to arouse suspicious, but as a stray dog in front of a restaurant, I’m continuously walking the corridor back and forth, hoping to be able to closely check his health.

  Once Mary walks by me and enters the cell. An irrational jealousy invades my mind. I know that she isn’t interested on Matthew. Since the night she sent me at Lisa’s, she began to see Stanley regularly. Moreover, if you consider that her opinion about Matthew is not a good one, I have nothing to fear about. Yet I cannot keep myself. Lying against the wall in front of the cell, I’m pretending to look at the watch. When she speaks, I carefully listen to her words.

  «Come on, you slugs. It’s shower time» she exclaims to the detainee.

  Gary mumbles, indicating Matthew: «And what about that bag of potatoes on the bed? What should we do with him?»

  «Leave him there and come with me. Surely I’m not going to carry him to the shower. He’ll wash himself when he’ll be better.»

&n
bsp; Mary gets out with Matthew’s comrades. As soon as they are afar, with my heart beating fast, I open the cell and run to him. I find him sweat and with cold hands. I seat near him and caress his hair.

  «How are you? » I ask, but he’s too weak to answer. I take a handkerchief and wipe his sweat face. There’s a thick beard, brown and with golden reflections, like his hair.

  Then he begins to move his head, he moans and opens his eyes looking at me as if he wanted to pierce me with his gaze. I stay still observing him, feeling a strong and rooted emotion for him. Never since, I realize how much I’m lost. How can I save myself from this sweet pain? No, by now I’ can’t call it just “attraction”. Now that he’s here, hectic and needy, it’s clear the kind of feeling I have for him. If it wasn’t for the prison, if he wasn’t a detainee, if I wasn’t just his ward I could, at least, admit to myself that the feeling I have for him it’s is very similar to love, but all the complication I just listed make my head spin. But I have to keep this for me.

  Matthew is still looking at me and his eyes are blurred with fever. With a moan he says «Are you mine?»

  Hell! How could he read my mind? These three words pronounced almost imperceptibly are shaking me like a stormy sea. He and I, forever together. This is what I most want. If just could it be possible... I decide to answer him because I want him to know my feelings.

  «Of course, with all my heart» I say, but Matthew is no more listening.

  «Now I have to go, but I’ll be back, whenever you need me. »

  To these words Matthew seems to wake from the numbness. He rubs his sleepy eyes and looks at me as if it was the first time he sees me.

  «Is it you, Khyla? »

  «Yes, who did you suppose it was?» I ask. He doesn’t answer. And then I understand everything. This bastard wasn’t thinking about me, but about his sister. There cannot be any other explanation.

  «You’re a fucking perverted» I say through my teeth.

  «What’s the matter with you, now?»

  «Nothing. What do you think? I know that you’re just maneuvering me to meet your cravings. You made me believe in something, instead you’re only thinking to that sl..»

  «Don’t you talk bad about Tracy. She's an angel.»

  As soon as I hear this name, I get pissed off. How dares he name that one in front of me? I’m risking everything for him. Every stolen kiss, every moment spent in Matthew’s arms could cost me freedom and he dares to remind me that I’m worth less than everything? That though I try to live up to her, in his heart, Tracy will always be better than me? While I’m feeling pervaded by jealousy in relation to the relationship that binds them, to detriment of what I feel, I recognize my stupidity. I’m angry with Tracy as if she was the cause of all the evils, but I actually understand that she’s an unconscious victim of her brother. And him, that took advantages of her like the worst of pedophiles, allow himself to call her “angel”. Furious and disgusted, I run to give a punch to the wall. «Khyla, stop it» Matthew, that hardly got up is surrounding my shoulders, trying to convince me.

  «I really like you and if the situation was different, you surely would be my first choice. The fact is that I don’t belong to you. I only belong to Tracy.»

  What a disappointment! His words keep buzzing in my brain, getting me more and more angry, a feeling difficult to manage, and so I completely blurt out.

  «Then leave me alone. I don’t want men in half. From now on, I suggest you to look behind your shoulders. Because I’m no longer going to help you, what I’m going to do is to make your life a hell. »

  And with a definite gesture, I’m free from his grip, lock the cell and run to the office, where I let myself go in a desperate cry.

  CHAPTER 9

  Finally Matthew got back in health. What a pity! I prayed long for him to leave this world... That could put an end to my insane obsession, instead he’s still alive.

  It’s been five days since our last debate and, since then I haven’t talk to him anymore, if not for pure professional matters. He began to spend his hours in silence, again, absorbed on reading or thinking lying on the bed, as if his noisy comrades weren’t there. Yet there are times in which he looks at me enigmatically, but, in spite of the inner confusion, I try not to give mind to his unspoken recalls. I need to start over and to find in someone else the sense of my life. In the meantime, waiting for better opportunities, I rung up at Peter and we saw a couple of times. Ok, I know that he’s married and has a little baby, but in this moment he’s the only one on the market to wash away Matthew from my memory in a hurry. If Peter doesn’t care about his wife, why should I care? The only pity is that, as a lover, he’s not so great. Nothing to do with Matthew’s passion, but, for now, I have to be satisfied.

  As I’m looking to some papers on my desk, Mary opens the door and comes in with the tactfulness of an elephant.

  «Raise that ass and go straight to Matthew. »

  «Why?»

  «He claims you. He wants you to accompany him to take a shower. »

  I pretend not to hear and continue to divide the papers in two stacks. She comes nearby and pushes me up by the shirt’s collar.

  «Hey! Did you understand? I told you that Matthew is waiting for you. He wants to take a shower and wants you to accompany him. »

  I angrily shake my head: «Since when, in a prison, you give mind to the whims of a criminal? Anyway, today is not shower’s day.»

  «Listen, if it was upon me, I wouldn’t ask you. I know that you like him and it would be better for you to stay away from him. But the fact is that, in the afternoon, a major politician is coming to visit the jail and our superiors want all the inmates in acceptable terms. Last week he had fever, so he skipped the weekly shower. Now we have to fix it in a few hours. »

  «I don’t want to. And this is all I have to say» I say hardly.

  Because of my attitude, Mary gets angry and starts screaming.

  «Stop at once to pretend to be a poor victim! Maybe you didn’t understand. I found you this work and I can get you fired and be thrown in the middle of a road, if you mess things up. »

  To these menacing words, I have no other choice than to get up and go to Matthew. I don’t know what is passing in his mind, but if he thinks that I could be indulgent with him, he’s really wrong. He played fairly enough with my feelings.

  I let him out of the cell without paying any attention to him and bring him to the showers. I sit on a stool, then I order him to wash carefully.

  «I have some problem with my back. You could wash it» he comments with a grin.

  «If you think that I’m going to touch you again after all that has happened, you are wrong. Move on, because I don’t want to spend all the day in here. »

  I think I have the right to speak this way, considering the fact that Matthew entered in my life and within me without worrying about consequences. For him I’m just a toy to entertain with, whenever he needs it. Because of him, I lost my dignity and I don’t know if and when I’ll be able to find it again.

  I’m trying to forget my troubles, concentrating on the environment that surrounds me. In this room, negligence and time left impressive traces. The row of open showers with crusted limestone showerheads and the ceramic shower trays, make this one of the worst places in the prison. Every time I get here, it seems to me that I’ve been catapulted in some scene of Schindler's list and, in my fantasy, I expect from moment to moment, that instead of water, could come out some deadly gas. Well, in this case, I would be happy. So I could stop to torment myself because of Matthew.

  Sitting on the stool with my back leaning agaist the cold wall, I’m keeping my eyes fixed on him, without paying much attention on what he’s doing. At least this is the intention. Instead something in my brain suddenly jams. For how much I commit myself, I can’t help but observe the seductive way he bents to pull off the uniform from the legs and how he gets rid of the underwear with a few decisive gestures. So I think that with the same decisio
n he entered in me and, taken by a sudden fierce itch, I cross my legs and sneeze slowly to somehow quench the heat from which I felt overwhelmed.

  I stare at him that is soaping every corner of his body and then rinses away the white foam with almost maniac precision. Then I stare to the water drops that come down along his athletic physique. At this point all my proudness breaks down.

  So, as soon as he comes closer still wet, with only a towel to cover his hips, I feel lost and the newly built fortress melts like snow in the sun. I don’t oppose any resistance when he grabs my arm and pools me from the stool. In a moment I’m quivering attached to his body and our mouths glued as stamps.

  «Leave me alone. I don’t want to be prosecuted because of your fault» I say without conviction, as soon as our lips break away to catch breathes.

  «You think too much» he answers with husky voice beginning to undo my shirt’s buttons. He puts his hands under my bra and starts to massage in expert way.

  «Do get undressed.»

  No, I can’t fall into the same mistake. I’ve already tried the taste of his forbidden kisses, his hands on me. I know where they took me, so far. In a black vortex with no way out. I have to be stronger and go away as soon as possible. I try to get back looking for an escaping way, but he blocks me holding my wrists, reminding me that there’s no other option. He pounces on my lips swollen with desire, greedy sucking them. With every assault I lose more and more the knowledge of what is wrong and what is right. So, without waiting any longer, I get rid of his grip and I take off pants and knickers, against any reason, even though a weak flicker in my mind wants to remind me that I’m risking a lot. Matthew with a gesture of his hand divides my legs. He bents down and look at the center of my intimacy with morbid desire. He lightly touches it with trembling fingers and I find myself swallowing, unable to speak a word. I want him inside me right away. This is the truth.