I Don't Belong to You Read online

  Instead I can’t keep my eyes off from Matthew. After two series of abdominal exercises, he starts to flex as if it was the simplest thing to do. Now it’s clear to me why, although the time spent reading, he has powerful muscles. I think he has innate predisposition for physical activities. At the thought of the kind of activities I would like him to do with me, I go red.

  Suddenly the close hum in one of the group transforms in yelled screams. Two Afro-Americans begins to quarrel with a young South-American. Before I or my colleagues realize the gravity of the situation and intervene to calm down the guys, I see Matthew get up and run toward them, putting himself between the quarreling. .

  «Stop it! You’re not going to quarrel right now... you know that this is one of the rare opportunities we have to see the sunlight.» he says resolute to one of them pushing the young South-American near my colleagues. At first I look at him admired, and then I concentrate to the two rebels. So I see a strange glint in the belt of the higher one. I’m not wrong: it’s a knife. I call Harry that joined us for a few minutes, and show it to him. He approaches the two guys with another colleague, then handcuff them before they can resist and search them before bringing them back in the cells. All the detainees look astonished at the scene. All but Matthew. This confirms my idea that he too had seen the knife, and this is why he intervened in defending the young South American guy. His heroic gesture fueled even more my painful fantasies. That’s why I decide to go away. It sick’s me to stay a few steps away from him without being able to express all my gratitude... I have to admit, at least to myself, that the experiment to eradicate Matthew from my mind, failed on all the line. I tried to convince myself that I’m the victim of an enchantment from which I could wake up without many negative consequences, but the truth is that Matthew is dear to me from all point of view. I’m attracted by his gaze, his voice, his perfect body that looks as if chiseled by a sculptor. But most of all, after what’s happened today, I’ve got the impression that if I could take away all the mud in which he’s wrapped, I’d find that even his soul is immaculate.

  CHAPTER 5

  We look alternately at each other, to spy our movement. We are totally alone, and I feel embarrassed more than I should be. Yet there’s nothing new in being here, at one step from him. My love life had always been troubled, even before I met Fred. In the air we can breathe the smell of hormones going crazy. As I move my hand through my hair, he takes me in his arms, kisses my hair, my neck, then helps me to take my shirt off and eagerly sucks my nipples. I moan with pleasure and these ancestral sound forces him to go on. He undresses, I undress. Then he force me to lean against a chair. He rolls out the condom with slow movements so heartbreaking to me, that I want to have him inside with all my soul. He eagerly opens my legs, comes over me and after a slow exploration, suddenly begins to move faster and faster. He pushes it, and the more he pushes, it’s one step more to the pleasure. When the orgasm is really near, I would like to cry out his name, but I keep myself from doing it. I repeat it in my mind, not one, but one hundred times. Matthew, oh Matthew. Then I fall on the chair as a broken doll, and let Peter, or what the hell it’s his name, gets out from me. He runs in the bathroom to wash. No snuggles, no sweet words. It was clear to both of us what was the goal of this night together. Actually to fuck was for me a way to eliminate the sense of oppression. Besides, the memory of Matthew’s lips is still so heavy and sweet that I wanted to wash it away with another man. Poor fool! Did I really believe that a night of passion could be the solution to my troubles? That another man could get me rid from my nightmares? Now I know that this is certainly not the right way. Maybe, instead of trying the strategy of the rebounding, I should try to go to the psychiatrist. Maybe a good dose of psych meds would cure my diseased mind. Yes, because even though I’m trying hard, there’s no way to forget those glacial eyes that deeply took over my senses and body.

  He comes out of the bathroom still naked. Shameless he approaches me. In the lamp’s light, I can see his bloated body builder’s torso and I’m getting disturbed. I don’t like the athlete’s body swallowed with anabolic steroids, with pectoral muscles that look like breast.

  «I have to go, baby. My woman is waiting for me at three o’clock. »

  «I didn’t know you had a girl-friend» I say while enveloping myself in the sheet to conceal my body from his gaze. I know it’s stupid to get embarrassed now, considering my previous behavior, but now that the passion went under the feet, I’m beginning to understand the huge stupid thing I’ve just done. Damned Matthew! If it weren’t for the many erotic dreams that overcrowded my nights since I knew him, I avoided wearing the prettiest flower dress I own and go to Justin’s birthday party, making me to be caught by this stupid guy.

  «She’s not my girl friend, she’s my wife. »

  From bad to worst.

  «And you, instead of staying with her, spent your night with me? »

  «You know what? We have a two weeks baby, and she can’t make love. »

  «Listen, bullshit. Let’s do this way. I’m leaving you ten seconds to get out from my house and don’t let me see you again. I don’t care being a one and then away, but I don’t accept being a home wrecker. »

  He laughs, get dressed and, before going out of the door, says: «You know what? You’re worrying about nothing. I would never leave my wife for someone like you. Go on enjoying your solitude. »

  That’s it, among all the stupid things he said, one is right. As hard as I try, loneliness is the only one that never leaves me.

  I’m going to work submerged by worries. The daily closeness with Matthew makes me go out of my mind. He avoids talking to me, but every time I pass near him, an intriguing look is enough to make me feel nailed to him. Today I’m going to talk to him. Maybe if I can clarify once and for all, I could put an end to the passion that is consuming me inside. «Matthew, my office needs another cleaning» I say secretly when I see the corridor is mackerel.

  «Just tell me when, and I’ll help you. I’m completely at your disposition for all you needs.» answers him accentuating the word “all”. This is enough for me to imagine us tightly embraced. Why can’t I stop my fantasies? I hate the sense of physical need provoked by his presence. If I was a strong woman, I wouldn’t be here waiting for him to satisfy my desires. Because, even though I just asked him to clean my office, we both know that my true request was another one. ‹‹I’ll come to take you as soon as Mary goes away.»

  «I can only stay untill three o’clock, because later I’m going to meet my lawyer. But I think that it’ll be enough to clean the office. »

  Yes, I agree. If he understood what I actually want, one hour for that kind of activity would be my personal record. Usually, the men I meet, last 10 minutes and then they fall asleep. «See you later, then» I mesmerize as he approaches the bars.

  And I go on serene, as if relieved all of a sudden from a huge weight off my stomach.

  CHAPTER 6

  «It’s two o’clock. I’m going. Don’t forget that tonight I’m going out with Stanley. It would be better if you left the apartment, as I did last night for your meeting with Paul. »

  «Peter, his name is Peter. »

  At least I think so.

  «Yes, call him as you like. I don’t care. He must have been a real fool. In the garbage I found four used condoms.»

  I pretend not to hear. I’m not going to tell my affairs to that biddy, also because, if I really was sincere, I should tell her that three of the condoms were thrown away because that stupid didn’t know the right way to wear them. He succeeds only at the fourth attempt.

  «Coming back to us» I immediately reassume the word, «I would like to leave the apartment, but I haven’t got the foggiest idea where to stay tonight. »

  «There’s no problem. I asked Lisa and she offered to host you. »

  «I don’t like Lisa. The last time that we organized a sleepover, she got on my nerves talking all the time. She's verbally incontinent.»
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  «Listen, don’t be a child. Lisa or the roof of the building. »

  It’s useless to insist.

  «Ok for Lisa.»

  Mary picks up her handy bag and goes out. I wait ten minutes sitting on the desk board to make sure she’s out of the building and, meanwhile, I’m very impatient. I got into trouble a lot of time in my life, but this overcomes them all. I know I’m risking too much. If someone catches me, I could be indicted and sentenced to four years in jail. Yet I’m no longer in my skin to feel Matthew inside me. This strange euphoria that snakes in my bowels makes me think that I’m going mad. I think that I won’t have even a healthy neuron in my head, if I continue to be obsessed by a convict...God, a guy that fucked his sister and made her pregnant! Hell! What kind of perversion is he casting on me? Despite all these thoughts and all this reiterating how crazy I am, at the time of the x hour I’m already on the doorstep, more than determined to carry on with this odd plan.

  I go toward Matthew’s cell. His comrades are all taking a nap. The ideal situation for not provoking suspicious. I call him with low voice, but he doesn’t answer. As usual, he’s lost in a book. I use the keys to make a light noise and he finally joins me. «Come with me» I order him and this time he follows me as a little dog. What’s the matter with me? Why do I permit him to walk behind my shoulder? If Mary was here, she would warn me. He’s the son of a bitch and is here for fucking his sister. It isn’t wise to give him such freedom. If he wanted to, he could sign me a head shot and try to escape. Yet I’m not scared. Am I really so naïve? Maybe it is so. Perhaps, after what Fred did to me, I just need to pour new confidence in the male gender. It doesn’t matter if the guy in question is a disreputable prisoner, who has already shown he hasn’t got any moral. We go into the office. I lock the door and show him the desk to put in order. Matthew sits on the swivel chair and controls the paper to be thrown and those to be kept, and then he starts carefully to sharpen the pencils. I look at the way he takes them in his hand and put them in the hole of the pencil sharpener. He spins on them slowly, checking the results several times, and then pulling them out, and if yet not satisfied, starts to temper them more frenzy, until the tip is not of his own liking. Each time I see the tip of the pencil entering the sharpener, I lose a heartbeat. After that my heart starts rock’n roll beating, and I feel shivering as if I got fever. He gets up and picks the papers from the floor. Why doesn’t he look at me? Does he really believe that I just needed someone to clean the office? I need something really different. I need to immerge my body in his, to mix up our flesh together once and for all, hoping to find peace in my heart.

  He’s approaching and, at a certain point, I find him at my feet picking up a crumpled piece of paper and throwing it with a master stroke, in the basket near the door. By now the floor is all cleaned up, but he doesn’t get up. He stays still in front of me, with the hungry eyes of whom is ready to launch his attack. And now I understand that my end has come. Other than talking about this, because he’s slithering on my skin with a wild and uncontainable desire. With a sudden movement he put his hand in my trousers and starts a slow massage. I close my eyes to avoid losing the feeling of his skin against mine... then he gets up clinging to my hips. His presence hangs over me. For a moment I keep my eyes down, fearful of mirroring in his grey eyes, then I decide and finally find myself with his mouth wound to mine.

  We kiss with the same intensity of the first time, but it isn’t enough. Matthew almost rips away my starry shirt and black lace bra. He torments my tits, hardened with passion, leaving wet trails with circular movements of his tongue. Then he steps aside and looks at me, half naked and suffocated by desire.

  «Matthew, please. Don’t stop now» I whisper with panting voice. Turning to my crazy part, I’m losing forever the last shreds of reason that I have.

  He doesn’t make me repeat it twice, comes back to me and let me rid him from the obstruction of his clothes. He turns me from front to back. I turn my head to observe every gesture he makes. With one hand, he shifts my perizoma aside, moistens his hand with the saliva and wet his penis, then enters inside me, where I didn’t expect. He does it brutally two or three times. I say nothing. I take what he gives me without asking for anything else. He accompanies each push with a guttural sound that increases a hundred times my crazy desire of him. Because of his ardor, I feel torn inside, but I don’t give up. So, perhaps in a moment of repentance, he says: «Seat on that sofa and open your legs. »

  I obey. I’m like a puppet in his hands. He comes back to me and takes possession of my vulva with the tongue. He does it for minutes. He licks and sucks it and, meantime, enters in my bowels with two fingers, shaking me all over. I’d pull out my craving with loud voice. Why has this to happen in the office of a jail and not among the sheets of a bed? I’m about to reach orgasm and he continue licking my clitoris, while I’m with open legs and arms cuddling his head. Then, finally, it happens. With a movement of the hands he pushes my arms away, gets up and starts entering inside me with his hard penis. He pushes it in and out, at first slowly and then more and more faster.

  We breathe to each other and our minds are just lost enjoying the pleasure. He’s inside me till the end. By now I’m reaching the no-coming back point and, understanding from my involuntary contractions that he reached the meaning, he comes out wetting my thighs with white sperm. I’m speechless. My words are all dried up in this crazy and desperate intercourse.

  Matthew scrutinizes me once again, and then he hurries up to get dressed. He throws to me the uniform and whisper that is time for me to regain my composure. I nod and hurrying rearrange, fearing that someone could come and find us in that situation. Meantime I only think that he’ll be soon in his cell and I won’t have anything but the memory of his body against mine. And I already feel the pain. I can remedy everything, but my heart broken in a thousand pieces.

  «Khyla, what’s the matter with you tonight? I just don’t know you anymore» says Lisa. «You are more sad and taciturn than usual.»

  Sitting on a stool with my elbows leaning on her kitchen’s top, I’m playing with the peas in the dish, keeping my head bent down. Lisa is a fashion designer fairly accomplished and sophisticated. This is why she lives in a modern-style villa in a fashionable area in Los Angeles. To think about it, she has nothing to do with me. I often see her only because she’s Mary’s second-degree cousin. Considering that her kitchen is bigger than my flat, I should be happy to stay some hours in this sort of castle. Instead I’m feeling reversed. I’m not hungry and don’t feel like having conversation. I just want to go to bed and bury my memories in the sleep.

  Lisa pretends not to understand. She takes breath and list a series of events about whom I should be happy and satisfied.

  «You’re negative, my girl. You can never see the glass as half full. You are young, beautiful and healthy. Plus you have a very interesting job.»

  What the hell is she saying? Is she listening to herself or she speaks only to give air to her mouth? Does she think that watching a herd of delinquents is an interesting job? Every time I get into jail, I always fear that one of them could hurt me. The truth? I never quit because, if I did it, I’d lose Matthew forever. Matthew... my cross and delight. Just remembering our afternoon together, a sudden impatiens takes on me. I get up with an excuse and go to the bathroom. I lock the door and begin to smell my hands first and then my arms. There’s no longer trace of his scent on my fingers, but in the hollow of the elbow I can smell his male scent mixed with my sweet-smelling fragrance. This is enough to trigger in me a crazy desire. I sit on the floor with the head leaned against the wall and look for the pleasure he can’t give me in this moment. In the meantime I think that maybe he’s searching for my scent between his legs. And with this hope I intensively touch myself.

  CHAPTER 7

  It’s not easy to sleep in a bed other than your own, even though the mattress is as soft as feathers. I keep repeating it to convince me that this is why I spent the
night wide-eyed. But the truth is another one. Since Matthew has made his way into my life and between my legs, I’m losing everything: sleep, appetite, reason.

  After having my breakfast with a toast and a cup of corn flakes with milk, I greet Lisa and take the bus that will bring me to the jail. Sitting beside the window I can observe the city. It’s still quite early. Within an hour the sidewalks will be animated with people and the traffic will become chaotic. Now, however, the street is empty and the bus goes without difficulties. Meantime my heart works faster than this almost empty bus, and already reaches the goal. With my mind I’m overcoming the bars and couching beside Matthew, waiting to be shacked by his strong hands. I sigh, take the smartphone to look at Face book’s notifications trying to distract myself. Maybe, this way, I can stop filling my head with stupid thoughts. I wonder why I can’t be sharper and tougher to myself. Does it really make sense hurting myself for a man that is in jail for sex crimes? Actually...he fucks really well. Nobody ever made me feel such a thrill just touching me. The scent of his skin is still in my nose and I can’t push it out. I’ve already suffered of many injustices in my life, including Fred’s betrayal with that Fanny bitch. I didn’t need this one.

  Damn! I know I’m wrong. I also know that Matthew has something in mind that will make me regret having accepted him within me. But, above all, I know that even though I’m sure that this passion will bring me to ruin, I could never do without him. I’m sure: this feeling will shatter me.