I Don't Belong to You Read online

  «I’ll do it. By now I know where to put my hands. »

  Why this phrase is so impressive to me? Maybe because I know that he isn’t talking about the paper on the desk.

  He gets out of the cell and heads self-confident to the office. As soon as we enter, I lock the door and slap on his face the fake documents.

  «That’s it! Was this the reason why you gave me the book? I thought it was a pledge of love...»

  «Good, I knew you were a smart girl. Let’s have a look» he says pinching the documents from my hands and gliding over the argument I was interested in. «Actually Bart is really professional. »

  I feel the anger rising inside me. How can he take my help for granted? How could I get to this point? I can’t help but express my dissatisfaction.

  «Listen, Matthew. I know that it could sound strange to you, but my life doesn’t necessary turns around yours. »

  He tries to hold my hand, but I huffy move it back. So he tries to bewitch me with his soft voice.

  «I know you’re angry with me, but just try to understand. I was afraid that, knowing before my intention, you wouldn’t have accepted to help me. »

  «Now it’s you showing me your perspicacity. In fact you got the point. I went to Compton to try to figure out what you had in mind, but I don’t like the things Bart told me. I went on too far. Now I’m going to give up.

  He takes me by the shoulders and shakes me.

  «You can’t leave me now. I need you.»

  Then he kisses me forcely, leaving me totally breathless. At first I go along with him, under the pression of his lips against mine, then I decid to react. I push him away and say: «You don’t need me; you just need someone to get you out of here. You already told me. “I don’t belong to you” you said. Now tell me: why should I help you? »

  «Because you are the only one I trust. »

  «Stop with these bullshit. I’m going to risk too much, helping you...»

  «I thought about everything. You’ll get me out of my handcuffs and I’ll point this at the driver, when the time will come.»

  He takes a gun out of his pocket.

  «A gun? Where does it come from? » I ask frightened.

  «Stay calm. It isn’t real; it’s just a good reproduction. A comrade lent it to me. Thanks to this, I’ll force him to stop the armored van. And I’ll take you away as a hostage. As soon as I’ll be safe, you can go away. No one will have anything to complain about you. They’ll think that you’re the poor victim of a madman. »

  It’s a great plan, yet I don’t think is a good idea. I tell him, hoping he understands and leave me in peace.

  «Listen; do you want me to tell you the truth? I don’t want to be the accomplice of a criminal. »

  «You wouldn’t. I’m not a criminal. »

  «Then why are you here? » I ask while the doubt is imposing on me again. As the first time I saw him, I think that Matthew is completely different from the rest of the detainees in here. Yet I can’t forget why he’s in prison.

  He pauses, clenching his fists. He’s so beautiful with the muscles in tension and the fiery look, but this isn’t the right time to be enchanted by his appearance.

  «Stop making me a fool. Everybody knows that you fucked your sister! » I exclaim in despair and disgusted. I finally got the courage to admit the disgust that was buzzing in my head.

  «Tracy is not my sister. She’s my stepsister» he shouts at me.

  To this revelation I am speechless for a while.

  «If it’s not because of the incest, why are you here? »

  «Because she was fifteen and I was twenty one, that’s why. If we weren’t in California, where the age of consent is set at eighteen, I would be happy and free. Instead I’ve been punished because of an act of love. Do you think it’s right, that because of a stupid law, I have to stay rotting in here? I told you, Khyla. I’m dying inside. I need to get out, to see the daylight. I need my life back and you are the only hope.»

  He’s saying this misty-eyed and I’m not able to reason anymore. God, I’ve always known that he wasn’t a criminal as the others. My sixth sense was right....I don’t want to think anymore about what he told me together with his confession. I pushed it in a corner of my brain because I don’t want to hear it. I just want to show him my love... So it happens. I embrace and kiss him rubbing on his panting chest, then, when I feel him pressing against me, I tell him to enter inside me. He undresses and enters in me silently, living me only his whispered moan. It isn’t easy to control ourselves, as if what we are feeling was something without any importance. But we have to enjoy in silence. To be discovered would mean to be revealed to the public mockery and neither of us could withstand the shaming rack that would result. Yet all this is no more enough. I don’t want to go on like this, I can’t. Every time a stay with him, a piece of my heart is taken away. I have to find a solution soon. Maybe I should help him in his mad plan. If he could evade, his gratitude could turn into something different...something deeper. I could eradicate from his mind the image of Tracy and become the only one.

  Now that I have the certainty of his innocence, I feel less stupid indulging in my feelings for him. So, after being united in a strong intercourse, I whisper to his ear: «All right, I’ll help you, but first I want to know everything about your past life. There are so many things that aren’t clear to me...»

  He turns and says: «I can understand, but I’ve already told you too much. I swear that as soon as we’re out of here, I’ll answer to all your questions. Untill then, you must trust me. »

  We embrace silently for some moments, until his absence could be noticed by my colleagues. Then I accompany him to his cell. He, before I’m out of his sight, gives me a wonderful smile. So, with that gem in my heart, I go back to work. By now it’s too late to think it over. Even though I’ll be destroyed, Matthew is going to be free thanks to my help.

  CHAPTER 12

  It’s a quarter past eleven and I’m really frightened. No one said anything about Mathhew’s tranfer. What if it was a wild goose chase? There are many things that Bart and Matthew didn’t think about. Maybe the email sent by the hacker didn’t arrive or, worst, somebody could understand that it was a false request and they opened an official investigation.

  From a certain point of view, it would be better. So I could avoid this madness. On the other hand, I couldn’t look at Matthew anymore if our plan didn’t succeed.

  While I nervously walk along the corridor, Mary stops in front of me asking to go in the office with her. As soon as the door is closed, she boldly says: «Do you know the last new? Your Matthew is going to be transferred in San Diego. Did you hear something about it? »

  «Absolutely not!» I exclaim self-confident. Who knows what’s the divine punishment for the perjury?

  «The boss asked me to accompany him with Jess, you know... the beautiful driver? I’d like to, but Stan is jealous and if he comes to know that I was alone with another man, he would leave me. So I thought of you. I’m sure it would be good for you to see your man going away from here and from your life once and for all. »

  «What are you blethering about? Matthew is not my man» I firmly answer, as the embarrassment catches me. I feel guilty because I didn’t tell my friend about all my feelings for Matt and all that happened between us.

  She laughs with stentorian voice, and then observes me as if she wanted to dig me: «Stop making me a fool. We’ve known each other for a long time and I understand when you like somebody. You can hide it to everybody, but not to me. Yesterday you asked Matthew to help you rearrange the office, and when I got in, I found it more disordered than before. »

  «How can you know? You weren’t here yesterday.»

  «I have my informants. For a packet of smokes, they would even sell their mother. Gary told me everything. I believe that he too thinks that you have a story. You’re not so smart.»

  This time Mary is right. Because of a disruptive passion we forgot to be cautious and
now the risk is really big. I decide to trust my friend and to tell her the truth. Maybe, if I can take her on my side, there’s a hope. It can’t be worse than now.

  «Yes, I really like Matthew. He knows how to make my head spin.»

  «Don’t you feel better, now that you told someone? That’s the way I like you. There can be no friendship without sincerity.»

  Mary smiles and it seems her features are more relaxed and serene, so I calm down. I decide to dare a little bit more.

  «I guess you think that I’ve been stupid enough throwing myself in his arms and that I have to deal with a despicable being, but what you don’t know is that Matthew is better than what we thought. He is the innocent victim of an unjust justice system. He’s paying for no fault of his own, believe me! »

  «Don’t you think that’s a bit of an exaggeration? I can understand falling in love with a detainee, but to believe in his bullshit...»

  To these words I tell her all that Matthew confessed, but her expression remains skeptical. So I understand it’s useless to waste my breath. Whatever I told her to prove Matthew’s innocence, she wouldn’t believe me. So I skim over.

  «How much do you think the rumors about the “simpathy” we have towards each other have spread? »

  «Stay calm, Khyla. Not too much. The people, here, mind their own buisiness. The only one worrying me is Gary. He’s an asshole, but if you want I can hold him off. »

  «How?»

  «Trust me. I’m working here since more time and I know how to manage them. But now I want to know the why of this question. Whatever happened between you and Matthew, is about to end. He’s going to be imprisoned in San Diego’s jail.»

  My legs start shaking. To speak or to shut up? The truth is that we are friends, and I don’t want to lie anymore. Or would it be better to keep silent? Our plan is well thought out, but dangerous. It might end up in the worst way. Plus, in such a precarious situation, having an extra ally could change our fate... at least mine. Matthew would be lost anyway. «Mary, sit down for a moment and listen to me. There’s no transfer to San Diego.»

  «Now you’re talking to me as if you sniffed cocaine. What the hell are you saying? Of course Matthew is going.»

  «No, it’s a con. He just want to evade and I’m going to help him.»

  «You what?» she shouts, getting up.

  «Low your voice, you don’t one someone to be suspicious, do you? During the transfer I’ll release him and he’ll pretend to kidnapp me. »

  «No, you’re crazy, completely mad. You’re about to become an accomplice of a criminal.»

  «I’ve already told you he isn’t a criminal! » I exclaim sure.

  «How are you not getting this?! Even though he was innocent, for the low he’s guilty anyway» she retorts.

  Mary’s got her eyes all bulging out, distraught by my confession. I have to keep her quiet: I don’t want her to go and tell everything to our bosses. I take her by shoulders and speak decisively: «Listen, maybe I’m crazy, but this is what I’m gonna do and I’m not going to change my mind. »

  «Why are you telling me this? » she asks woozy.

  «Because you’re my friend, you’ll have to cover me, even denying evidence. You’ll have to pretend that I just was in the wrong place at the wrong moment. Matthew wants to flee, I think to Mexico, and I want to go with him. If they believe that he’s got a hostage, they’ll probably move cautiously, leaving us more chances of moving. But if they know that I’m his accomplice, they won’t be scrupulous. They’ll come and kill both of us. »

  Mary looks at me with a mixture of fear and tenderness.

  «Why do you want to help him? »

  «I told you! He’s innocent...»

  She doesn’t seem to believe my passionate assertion.

  «Stop changing the subject. I want you to be sincere to me, Khyla. You really love him, don’t you? »

  I bent my head and finally give voice to my feelings. And then I feel better.

  «Yes, I never felt something like this. I’m alive just when I’m with him. At first I believed that it was just physical attraction, but a few days were enough to understand that I really love him. I’m prepared to lose my freedom and my life, to give him the possibility to be happy.»

  «And do you think he reciprocates your feeling? »

  «Not at all. Matthew’s heart is taken. But he engaged me so much, that I’m prepared to be content with the crumbles, to stand beside him. »

  She takes my hand and caresses it to give me strength and warmth.

  «Yes, you’re crazy, the victim of a madness really unique, in its gender. But you’re my best friend. We always helped each other. »

  She gets up from the chair and embraces me.

  «Be careful, please» she tenderly whispers.

  I can feel my face damp with tears, but they’re not only mine. We’re both silently crying. Even though we usually are optimistic, we know that this could be the last time we see each other. After some emotional moments, we get back to work. There are still some details to care for, before the escaping.

  It’s all ready. I just have to go and fetch Matthew to bring him to the penitentiary police van.

  «Matthew, it’s time to go. Move your ass...» I say with the hardest tone. Actually I’d like to be far from here, in his arms telling him to love me and imploring him to love me till the end of our lives. That’s why I decided to help him.

  «Here I am.»

  I handcuff him and tell him to hurry up. He obeys without speaking, but looking at me with one of those deep gaze able to distraught me.

  «You’re looking forward to get rid of me, aren’t you? » asks him ironically with low voice.

  «No time to joke. If I get angry, I really get you to San Diego’s jail and leave you there to rot. » I say kicking him on the calf.

  «Ahi! You’re hurting me! Look, I know the right way to revenge» he sniggers. This threat full with allusions is enough to make me feel a deep heat invading my bowels.

  Out in the courtyard, we go toward the van ready for the transfer. Waiting for us there’s Jess, a very kind new employee.

  «Come on, Khyla. Let him on, or we’ll be late. Do you need help? »

  «No, I can manage.»

  «I go to start the engine, then. »

  I lead Matthew on and order him to sit down. While Jess is whistling, I open the handcuff and put in his pocket the false revolver. I had taken it to prevent my colleagues to find it during the usual search, then I wink to him and go beside Jess.

  He starts to talk about this and that and to tell jokes:

  «Do you know this one? Los Angeles police, CIA and FBI want to show who, among them, has the most prepared men.

  The President submits them to a test. He frees a rabbit in the forest and then asks the men to find it.

  First the CIA agents. They put informers between the animals, question the trees and then, after three months, they say that rabbits don’t exist.

  Then it’s the FBI turn. After two weeks without clues, they burn the forest including the rabbit.

  Finally is the Los Angeles police’s turn.

  They come out of the forest, with a bleeding raccoon, roughed up.

  The raccoon screams: «Ok, ok! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!»

  Jess laughs aloud, but I didn’t like the joke. On the contrary it disturbs me a lot. The newspapers are full with episodes in which the American policemen use every means to stop the crimes. What if some of them beat us? What if none of us comes out alive?

  «... Khyla, why don’t you laugh. Did you listen to me?»

  «Nice joke» I say lost in thought continuing to watch out to control where we are. Thank to Google Earth, I memorized the road to be sure of the signs. As soon as we get near a Chinese restaurant beside a Laundromat , I’ll start to sing. This is the signal to let Matthew know it’s time to get in action.

  «Khyla, read that sign» says Jess.

  «Fuck! The road is closed for work in
progress. We have to go through an alternative one» I exclaim aloud to let Matthew hear me.

  «Where’s the problem? We are not in a hurry to go back in Los Angeles. And I don’t think the detainee will complain. Our tour will be only a little longer than we thought. »

  Oh God! This trick will jeopardize our plan. What if because of the deviation, we could not go to the point agreed with Bart? We could escape anyway, but with these uniforms on, we won’t get too far.

  I feel the droplets of sweat pounding my forehead. To avoid Jess suspicious, I say that the uniform is too heavy for Los Angeles weather. I often turn to look at Matthew, trying to read in his eyes his thoughts, but his gaze remains inscrutable.

  After going through minor roads for about a dozen minutes, we finally are on the main street again. The problem is: did we overpass the right point? I’m trying to understand exactly where we are, but I’m too worried to reason clearly.

  At a certain point, at the end of the street, I recognize them: the Chinese restaurant with the red lanterns and the Laundromat with the green sign. I swallow. This is the last chance for redention. Do I really have to be Matthew’s accomplice? Maybe I can still save me. But if I do this, I will completely loose his trust. If I decided not to go on, when we’ll get to San Diego’s jail, they’ll immediately understand that the tranfer is rubbish and for Matthew would be the end. No, I can’t trait him.

  Strumming my pain with his fingers

  singing my life with his words

  killing me softly with his words

  killing me softly with his words

  telling my whole life with his words

  killing me softly with his words

  «What a beautiful voice you’ve got, Khyla. You’ve got talent, you know? You could become a professional singer» Jess comments with a witty smile. He’s talking about my vocals, but meanwhile, he looks at me in an unequivocal way, as if he was guessing my size. Probably, continuing to praise me, he is wondering what the size of my bra is. Damn! Can’t sleazy men stay away from me?